Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Kern Outed As Baron Of Lies
Two time recipient of the Pulitzer Prize, renowned Men’s Rights Activist, and prominent member of the LGBT community, Dr. Baron Kern, revealed late last night on social media that the crusade he led for nearly one and a half decades was initially meant to be nothing more than a joke. “I was just taking the p**s, you know? I just wanted to see how far I could go with this. Never imagined it would snowball into something this big.” He posted.
Uncle Trevor has been on fire all morning. This was the first man he ever interviewed. Parts of the interview were, well, see for yourself.
Monday, 29 October 2001
Hot-Dog Trevor: So, you’ve stirred up quite a reaction. Did you ever imagine your movement would shape up like this?
Baron Kern: To be completely honest, Trev, I did anticipate something of this nature. What I did not expect was for it to be on this scale. I expected maybe citywide notoriety at most. I couldn’t have possibly foreseen half a nation rising against a simple former college lecturer just for calling Feminism cancer.
It doesn’t end there.
Hot-Dog Trevor: What’s next for Baron Kern professionally, and what’s next for your movement? You stated, “At this point, it’s pretty safe to call it an ideological revolution.” Correct?
Baron Kern: I did. I did. See, what I’m trying to achieve here is what Jesus and Lenin could have done together. I want to establish a power cult for men with the largest following in the world. Professionally, I might have to look for a new career. I’m more or less unemployable in the field of education now, but looking at the public outrage I’ve caused, I could probably be an effective media personality. What do you think, Trev?
Hot-Dog Trevor: Aren’t you already a bit of a media personality?
Baron Kern: I suppose I am.
Hot-Dog Trevor: Some have accused you of being chauvinistic, regressive, and even homophobic because of your views on masculinity.
Baron Kern: Homophobic? I am bisexual.
Hot-Dog Trevor: I did not know that.
Baron Kern: I’ve never spoken about it before. You see that pretty little lady standing there? I’ve had c**ks in more orifices than her, which should really impress you for two reasons. She is prettier than me. She has more orifices than me.
Hot-Dog Trevor: That’s alright, doctor. This isn’t the kind of news outlet that you have to convince of your sexuality. However, you have used homophobic slurs in public statements previously.
Baron Kern: F*g? Yeah, I’ve called a couple of people f*gs. They were f*gs. What about it?
Hot-Dog Trevor: A former lover accused you of being overly aggressive and verbally abusive. She said that you called her, and I quote here, “pathetic and friendless.”
Baron Kern: I did.
Hot-Dog Trevor: I suppose it was one of those situations where there were other factors involved? In what context did you say that to her?
Baron Kern: In the context of her being pathetic and having no friends.
And in case you’re wondering what this guy is all about…
Hot-Dog Trevor: Do you have any parting words for our readers?
Baron Kern: I believe we’re going to win this war, Trev. You know why? Because we’re men. This is what men do on a daily basis. We conquer. Authority might favour women. I can see that firsthand. I can’t get employed for my statements, despite being one of the best in my field. Society, however, worships men. In the eyes of society, we are the alpha, and we are the omega. And authority derives itself from society. It is much easier to convert authority than to convert society. This is a man’s threat to all of womankind.
Hot-Dog Trevor: Thank you, doctor.